Emailin' Ash

ash,
originally uploaded by mandler.

Hi there,

I know, so funny how its been so long since we've connected. You've been busy and I've been growing up and, lately, having my heart fed to me...

...And the war, I shoulder all this pain from all the crap going on, it gives me a headache. Quite literally, my head hurts sometimes, to think of the 100,000 Iraqi people (mostly women and children) who have suffered & died because our country were like deer in headlights watching our leader to jump for the corporate oil guns. And the evil behind this war is so much more involved than just saying that, I mean people are suffering, lives are ruined, in masses, and there is tons and tons of blood being shed on our hands. And I pray that we are somehow doing the right thing, but I really really doubt it. I'm so so disappointed, I feel like our country is like this "patriotic" gigantic, big, fat, disgusting baby in a sandbox crying because it doesn't have enough toys and needs to steal more. And I know I'm supposed to somehow dig up this happy faced mask and get on with MY LIFE, but I just have a really hard time doing that sometimes. The happy faced mask is extremely heavy to me. That's not to say I'm not happy, I am, I have inner peace and sanctity within. That is all I have really, when it all boils down to it, and I'm blessed and thank my lucky stars to have found it. Its just taking part in this American game is such empty bullshit. I mean, it seems to me that we're all in pain now and dealing with it in our various ways. The roaring happy (and for me my nieve 20s?) nineties seem so far away.

And so, I dunno, I go through these manic moments when I get really down on myself or allow myself to get so overwhelmed by things going on. Everything is constantly changing and I know I can't go hide under a rock anymore. I'm facing my shit, feeling emotions, and its not easy--I feel raw, for lack of a better description. But I have my good inspired moments too, and all in all, it feels good to be alive and kickin' and working hard in a world of substance. And I am getting there, closer to me, I am...

Love,

Chan

Note to the world: my sister reminds me of Wonder Woman
(as Diana Prince, of course...)

narcissism

nacissistic bitches,
originally uploaded by mandler.

I find that we are all surrounded by narcissists. I've always questioned if I'm one? My therapist says no, and so do those around me, but, I know I have a thread of it in my body. Or maybe I'm just open to the game of narcissism because I'm used to it from my childhood. Well, I would like to formally say: Game over!

"Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his/her own terms." - Elizabeth Bowen

"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are." - Gore Vidal

owl dream

cool person in festival mask,
originally uploaded by mandler.

I was walking up a path and came upon a giant owl creature walking out from the woods. It was beautiful, with black shiny feathers and draped in black pearls. It had a red top starkly contrasted to the black. It also had a long elegent brown wooden bow, to which it proceeded to load a darker camouflaged arrow into and shoot my direction. I managed to miss getting shot and ran after the arrow to fetch it. As I ran after it, I picked up a flashlight as it started getting darker. I noticed lots of spots on the ground, circular patches, like spider holes. I heard a noise and turned around to see the bird flying towards me and I shined the flashlight on it as it passed me by to get the arrow. I turned and ran and as I was running I saw that more birds were emerging from the brush. When I got onto the path, I saw another bird, this one had three arrows in its hand and looked much different than the last one, more human. I yelled out on the path as I was running faster away from this place and towards my destination "is today the day that the birds are shooting?" Or something to that effect, like it was a mating party or something. Freaky.

don't get stuck!

don't get stuck!,
originally uploaded by mandler.

The more you get hung up with people's stuff, the more you don't let the world move forward. Mantra: Face it & make peace and you will naturally let go and move forward!

negativity sucks

negativity sucks,
originally uploaded by mandler.

I figure that hanging onto negativity is like hanging onto a fart--butt worse!