Emailin' Ash

ash,
originally uploaded by mandler.

Hi there,

I know, so funny how its been so long since we've connected. You've been busy and I've been growing up and, lately, having my heart fed to me...

...And the war, I shoulder all this pain from all the crap going on, it gives me a headache. Quite literally, my head hurts sometimes, to think of the 100,000 Iraqi people (mostly women and children) who have suffered & died because our country were like deer in headlights watching our leader to jump for the corporate oil guns. And the evil behind this war is so much more involved than just saying that, I mean people are suffering, lives are ruined, in masses, and there is tons and tons of blood being shed on our hands. And I pray that we are somehow doing the right thing, but I really really doubt it. I'm so so disappointed, I feel like our country is like this "patriotic" gigantic, big, fat, disgusting baby in a sandbox crying because it doesn't have enough toys and needs to steal more. And I know I'm supposed to somehow dig up this happy faced mask and get on with MY LIFE, but I just have a really hard time doing that sometimes. The happy faced mask is extremely heavy to me. That's not to say I'm not happy, I am, I have inner peace and sanctity within. That is all I have really, when it all boils down to it, and I'm blessed and thank my lucky stars to have found it. Its just taking part in this American game is such empty bullshit. I mean, it seems to me that we're all in pain now and dealing with it in our various ways. The roaring happy (and for me my nieve 20s?) nineties seem so far away.

And so, I dunno, I go through these manic moments when I get really down on myself or allow myself to get so overwhelmed by things going on. Everything is constantly changing and I know I can't go hide under a rock anymore. I'm facing my shit, feeling emotions, and its not easy--I feel raw, for lack of a better description. But I have my good inspired moments too, and all in all, it feels good to be alive and kickin' and working hard in a world of substance. And I am getting there, closer to me, I am...

Love,

Chan

Note to the world: my sister reminds me of Wonder Woman
(as Diana Prince, of course...)